Confidant, where are you? |
Soul, do you love?
A TWO-PART WRITING
written: Mar. 17, 2019 – 7pm
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Soul, do you love?
I took time to research a theory of what may cause a child to develop nonheterosexual feelings. Almost like the Oedipus complex, a child who does not have a good relationship with his father may become close to his mother but in a way of imitation. In a son’s case, he may look for the masculine father-figure he lacks in other people. Therefore, going to other men to satisfy this hole. Not really like the complex now, a daughter who experiences conflict with her mother may look to other women for motherly love. However, how far does this go? Does this truly cause means of infatuating feelings for other women?
*(please note:) Just thoughts that I had and jotted down; I usually do “stream of consciousness” when I write- I do not mean to draw conclusions or offend anyone~
I am still figuring out what it is that I am really looking for. I have vowed to wait for it, no matter how excruciating the process, but I sense a rebellious spirit in me that would be willing to compromise to be in a mutual compact, even when it is defined under unsaid circumstances. “Forbidden” circumstances as well. I may have become someone I never thought I would be. Or, I could just be craving someone whom I have always been looking for.
I know life on earth is small, but when I will be loving and loved by others in return, it is worth every breath. It is hard to appreciate my small existence when I feel like a narcissist. I am selfish in every way and I always look for someone who will fulfill my needs. I know that I want someone who needs me to, but is it too selfish to keep searching?
I am true to myself, but are my feelings true to me? Do I really love them, or is it just a lustful desire? If I truly love who they really are, will they respond? Will they love me back? And if they do, will they be taken away from me? It is the no-man’s-land of these territories that I mark to be my restraining fears: my own unvalidated feelings, rejection, and the heartbreak that will break me before I am able to break my loyalty. I love hard. They do not know, they will never know, but as long as they breathe, I will love them for who they are and who they will become to be. But it is in another’s will, whether they will be taken away from me.
Part 1: How it feels to need someone to talk to